rock the vote this November or buy a PlayStation 3 and let your country rot in hell - whatever

I had a long day at work but on the way home I read a quote from my old adversary Congress Ric Keller (R-Florida). Ric made the front of that liberal rag the New York Times in an article about the prospects of Nancy Pelosi (D-California) becoming Speaker of the House if the Democrats retake Congress this fall.

Ric was aghast by the idea and come up with this verbal dagger: "Are Americans ready for Nancy Pelosi's Contract with San Francisco?"

Thankfully in America you can reply to your Congress people without fear of mutilation. Here is the email I sent to Congressman Keller:

Dear Mr. Keller,

I am a former constituent of yours, today I ready your witty bon mot about Nancy Pelosi in the New York Times. I just want to let you know that I am an American, and I will gladly take any contract Nancy Pelosi has to offer over a continuation of the ongoing train wreck otherwise known as the last six years of governance in this country.
In the interest of fairness though I would like to present you some "Contracts" for the Republican Party to present to the American Voters this election cycle that would counter Pelosi's: "Contract with San Francisco":

A. The Contract with Baghdad's War Torn Green Zone
B. The Contract with the 9th Ward of New Orleans
C. The Contract with Trent Lott's rebuilt front porch

Please let me know if you wish to use any of these - I offer you them free of charge!! (No Duke Cunningham stuff here)

Yours,

Benjamin Lyon

non-existent film festival

you are invited to the following celebration of the medium of film that would take place at my house if I had the energy or a house:

STALKER FILM FESTIVAL

Genesis Stalker Movies:

7:00 A.M.: Fatal Attraction
9:30 A.M.: Single White Female
11:30 A.M.: Group reading of horoscopes in Newspaper

Psycho Teen Stalker Movies:

11:40 A.M.: The Crush
1:10 P.M.: Posion Ivy

2:50 P.M.: Cocaine Fueled Orgy

Social Realism Stalker Movies:

2:57 P.M.: Unlawful Entry
4:30 P.M.: The Hand that Rocks the Cradle

6:00 P.M.: Group flagellation to "wash away Satan's shame"
6:20 P.M.: Smores

let's run over Lionel Richie I mean Zack Braff with a truck

as more and more time passes I become increasingly certain that the film "Garden State" was not a mere mediocrity but was in fact a total and utter piece of shit. The artistic quality of the movie is unique in that the first time you see it the film doesn't necessarily strike you as being so cloying and twee that you could get juvenile diabetes from repeated viewings. It's only much much later when you wake up screaming in the night over lines like: "The Shins will change your life." and "Good luck with the infinite abyss." that you realize "Garden State" is the rarest of cinema treasures: the horror-regenerator!! It actually gets worse as time goes on even though artistically it hasn't changed at all.
And of course like any cinema disaster the shrapnel spread far and wide. The Shins as a band are over. How you could ever listen to them again is beyond me. And I love power pop: Big Star, Marshall Crenshaw, Pet Sounds all great. The Shins? Just poor poor victims of the mind of Sir Braff.
Oh yeah Save the Clock Towers of New Jersey.

DIARY BLOG!!!

I want to obtain these objects in Austin this weekend, I love buying shit:

Book

$500.00 painting

next step for Anna City Limits: EMO BLOG!!

reasons I hate sports: reasons 24656398654-24656398655

yesterday a beloved horse injuires itself and may have to be put down - Barry Bonds on the other hand thrives

what year is this

the only thing more surprising than the cast of Real World: Key West actually being pretty likeable is that fact that against all odds and reason the NBA playoffs are actually really entertaining - scratch that they're really fucking entertaining

here's who to root for in order of social significance:

1. Miami - Old Shaq is playing for something bigger than himself or his team, he's playing for us, when the train home from work paused for an indeterminate amount of length between Fullerton and Belmont today I looked around at all the semi-broken people and realized that Shaq in his mortal struggles this playoff season was seeking redemption for all of us - even the guy playing Sudoku on his PSP.

2. Cleveland - LeBron is too good for his age - he's freaking me the hell out, not in a bad way but it's a freak out nonetheless. Like if water started talking to you - that's the level of freak out we are dealing with here. It's amazing and vaguely uncomfortable at the same time.

3. L.A. Clippers - remember when you didn't go to Prom? Of course you do. Following the Clippers this playoff season is like getting to go to Prom and being allowed to hang out with the kids who thankfully couldn't explain the origin of Spider-Man to save their lives.

Tonight there are no Red States and Blue States - tonight we are a band of brothers dedicated to the cause of crushing a "celebrity"

Paris Hilton enters her Baroque period

America I would not as rule condone violence but if a nation were to come together as one to eliminate a blight on its national landscape wouldn't this in its own way be less violent than letting her linger here on earth?

I implore you America!!

civics lesson/I need opiates

Communism failed because even though you never had to pay for parking and everybody got a house the government invaded your personal rights

I for one am thankful to live in a land of increasing economic uncertainty but that is free from "big brother" style government intervention into my life - unlike what those commies used to do to poor Ukrainian farmers . . .

wait . . .what?

I spill the blood of innocents on your 3 guitar altar

Countdown to Drive-By Truckers Concert: 6 days

Daily Countdown Sentiment: The Drive-By Truckers are the mythology of my life

springtime is the best time

this was the song that was playing when I first found out Lance Thomas was coming to Duke (oh yeah this means Duke is going to be good again next year - burn Duke haters burn in only that middle management way that you can)

I can't fight this feeling any longer
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship,
Has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show

I tell myself that I can't hold out forever
I said there is no reason for my fear
Cause I feel so secure when we're together
You give my life direction,
You make everything so clear

And even as I wander,
I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the wind,
On a cold, dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might

And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore,
And throw away the oars, forever

Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor,
Come crushing through your door,
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore

My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you
I've been running round in circles in my mind
And it always seems that I'm following you, girl,
Cause you take me to the places,
That I'd known I'd never find

And even as I wander,
I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the wind,
On a cold, dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might

And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore,
And throw away the oars, forever

Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor,
Come crushing through your door,
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore

World Cup Preview IV: Citizens on Patrol

Team: Tunisia

Useless Tidbits:

1. Recent survey by the National Geographic society shows that most American children cannot find Louisiana on a map of the United States or Iraq on a middle eastern map. That said there's no way those kids are ever pinpointing Tunisia on any type of map.

2. Good news: Tunisia is in group H which is generally considered the worst of all World Cup groups. But of course one reason that group H is thought to be so crappy is because you know Tunisia is in it.

3. I don't know what the most revered and mythological soccer record is in Tunisia and I don't know who holds it. But I'm pretty sure whoever holds said record didn't reach that elevated plateau by purchasing drugs for narcoleptic-menstruating lupus patients from BALCO and then proceeded to stick them in their ass.

4. Tunisia is the only African country to make it to back to back World Cups and could easily advance to the W.C. knock-out stage. Plus they beat arch-rival Morocco to reach the big dance. Rest assured American children could never locate fucking Morocco either.

World Cup Preview III: Back in Training

Team: Iran

Newsworthy Items (most items stolen from BBC soccer page and the book "How Soccer Explains the World"):

1. Iran's 2-1 defeat of the United States in 1998 killed soccer forever in this country. I admit that I am not completely tapped into the cultural zeitgeist of this nation but I know as a certainty that our people will never love a sport in which we regularly get our asses kicked by Iran.

2. The mullahs that run that superfine Iranian government actually hate soccer and have attempted to ban it on several occasions but the Iranian citizenry will not stand for it. 110,000 people showed up to watch Iran beat Japan in March 2005. Have I mentioned we're thinking about bombing the living shit out of these people? Whoo-ah!

3. Iran plays their first World Cup game June 11 vs. Mexico in Nuremberg. Home of the Nazi trials, you know about the holocaust which the Iranian President doesn't think happened. Can you defeat a strong Mexican team and declare that the genocide of 6 million people didn't happen in the city where those who perpetrated said genocide were tried in front of the world? Tune into ESPN2 and find out!!

4. The Iranian football team has their own website. View the website poignantly as you contemplate Pentagon plans to try really had to kill as few Iranian people as possible by dropping taxpayer subsidized bombs on them. Go Planet Earth!!

our congressmen should ride in chariots

please Rep. Kennedy if you're going to drive a 1990's era Ford at the very least take down the played out bumper stickers. Kerry in 2004? Gephardt? I half expected to see a Darwin fish eating a truth fish back there

World Cup Preview 27853743896523984752845287

Tonight 7th Heaven ends but the previews continue unabated:

Team: Australia

Facts:

A. Soccer is even more unpopular in Australia than it is in America. Rest assured nobody is blogging about the World Cup down under. Although this might have to do with the fact that what an Australian considers a "computer" is usually just a cut-up refrigerator box with sock puppets.

B. Australia is in Group F. More popularly known as the "oh fuck Brazil is in our group" group.

C. Australia hasn't been to the W.C. since 1974. To be quite honest their opponents in qualifying matchups were a little on the crappy side. No offense to New Caledonia but you suck at soccer. On the bright side New Caledonia you're not tied down in a disastrous land war in the Middle East!! So that's good.

D. Favorite Oceanian Zone qualifying stat - if you add up the scores of all the matches played by the Cook Islands it reads thusly: 5 matches: Other teams 17 goals -Cook Islands 1 goal. Cook Island soccer hooligans were big time pissed off about that. But of course the New Caledonia corollary applies here as well.

E. No matter what happens in the World Cup, Australia can rest assured that is has unequivocally, undoubtedly passed the United States in any standard of living index imaginable.

damn blogger/ R.I.P. John

fucking blogger isn't working - all my posts for the last week have been semi-obvious and brutally unfunny - damn you blogger!!