most obnoxious saying of 2006:

"I like sports where the winners are decided on the field."

This phrase uttered by numerous sport media types and allegedly "hip" blogs was in reference to the lack of a playoff system for college football.

Note this phrase breaks the unprecedented 3 year reign of the previous most obnoxious saying: "We've brought freedom to the people of the middle east." which was in reference to the Iraqi war turned civil war turned living diorama of hell.

Both phrases can only be uttered correctly when said with a chin jutting sneer of certainty followed by a moment of silence as the person who said either of the above phrases thinks everyone around them is slowly being washed over in a tide of massive profundity

of course both phrases are totally wrong as we really didn't bring that much freedom to Iraq (for proof of this see any major newspaper from any day this year) -although bless little little man Bill O'Reilly for still thinking we did - as he points out in his random smattering of half formed thoughts known as his newspaper "column" - some parts of some provinces are doing kinda ok in southern Iraq - touche Bill touche - you have bested me again with your verbal rapier
and of course college football does determine its champion on fields - where the fuck do people think these games are played the space base in Moonraker? - the Texas/USC and Ohio St./Michigan games (the best two games of the year in any sport) were in fact decided on fields, trust me I watched them both (please see below for the difference between the Moonraker base and college football stadiums)

a note to Comcast

unlike some others I have no problem with you right now - but can you please do me a favor and in your TV guide stop referring to ESPN's "Sportcenter" as a "hip-Emmy winning production" - most of us recall that brief moment 11 years ago when Sportscenter was hip but 11 years ago for a brief moment Hootie and the Blowfish were hip as well - in fact these two phenomena combined for one of the greatest assaults on humanity since the failed Armenian genocide of the early 20th century (a video which oddly is not on youtube)

let me merely clarify: any show that runs something called the "Budweiser Ultimate Highlight" which appears to be no more than a really bad 10 minute Big & Rich song played over some low angle camera shots of special teams play is not hip

reeking of history

yesterday was Donald Rumsfeld's last day as Secretary of Defense; he had a going away party of the type usually reserved for teams that win the Rose Bowl -

Vice President Cheney called him "the greatest Secretary of Defense this country has ever had"; so true Dick so true:

non-Roger Angell entry

I couldn't decide whether to wax poetic on how much I love college football or instead defend college football's B.C.S. system but ultimately I think my Roger Angell impersonation would anger Ted very much so I'm just going to rotate a list of things that are great about college football with a list of why people who want a college football playoff are moronic - not Iraq war moronic - but still pretty moronic

1. It make me happy that in the middle of the Pacific Ocean on a small island where Alice once hurt her back due to the nefarious working of a magic tiki thing a team plays games at midnight central time each week and runs an offense that averages 50 points per game

2. The two idiot color guys on ESPN and CBS think there should be a playoff system - if these guys told me to shop at Target I would shop at Menard's - and save more!!

3. In the NFL every team copies each other (witness how they all play the cover 2 defense now and run the west coast offense) and so all teams look alike - in college football there are a wide variety of styles from Hawaii's Run and Shoot - to Navy's Triple-Option to the Arkansas - "Let's hike the ball to the running back and have him throw 15% of the time" to wide open passing attacks.

4. The vaunted playoffs of baseball, the NFL and college basketball just gave us an 83 win team, a last-seeded AFC team, and a team that lost to the N.I.T. champion (twice!!) as champions so don't tell me playoffs determine who the best team in a sport is - TALK TO THE HAND BECAUSE THE FACE DON'T UNDERSTAND

5. don't you hate when your favorite team losses - like for instance they're 5 outs from making the world series for the first time since we dropped the bomb on Japan and some dude might have grabbed a ball and Moises Alou pees his pants, or your team make the World Series for the first time ever and then gets their collective asses kicked by the White Sox and 400 year old Jeff Bagwell pees his pants, of Brett Farve throws 50 interceptions in the red zone and the Packers fall to 6-10 and the state of Wisconsin pees it's pants - well college football has found a way around this - more on point 6

6. witness Wake Forest - the demon Deacons are bad at football - real bad - they last won their conference in 1970 (35 years after the Cubs last won the pennant but still) but this year they have had an amazing season - a season Wake Forest fans will speak of only in Nordic Verse - like Beowulf - they'll gather around a fire after a day of fishing for cod and hunting elk and speak of the year they went 10-2, won the ACC, and went to the Orange Bowl - the Orange Bowl!! that's where good teams go - teams that have a student body larger than 56 - will Wake Forest win the national title? no - would Wake Forest most likely lose to Ohio State by three touchdowns - yes - but does Wake Forest have a chance to end their season with an amazing win and not look back on this season and feel a sense of searing painful regret - yes and College Football is the only sport that provides that

7. have I mentioned Jay Mariotti thinks there should be a playoff and there isn't a soapbox strudy enough for Joe Buck to stand on when it comes to this subject

holy fucking shit holy fucking shit

my favorite thing about our President not calling the Iraq "situation" a civil war is that he wishes this was a civil war - they won't be selling ceramic figurines about the Western Anbar Province 130 years from now

but maybe the President is right Iraq really isn't in a "civil war" phase it's more of a "I no longer fear hell for I have been to Itchy and Scratchy land (or Baghdad)" phase

Iraq is bad and all but I need to support the troops right now - BY GOING TO WAL-WART and buying more for less!!!

going going gone

I saw a guy who looked like Timothy Busfield at Whole Foods yesterday

Then I realized every third guy looked like Timothy Busfield

The Timothy Busfield look is big at Whole Foods

you choose

For the past week I've been telling all who will listen (a select few) that I cannot stand the sports media's obsession with complaining about the Bowl System in college football and their incessant whining for a playoff system - which would of course ruin college football the only American sport that still has a meaningful regular season

and then today who piled on the argument opposite mine? the king of sport hackery himself Jay Mariotti - if this alone wasn't enough to eternally prove I'm right - there was also this pearl of wisdom in Mariotti's "case" for a playoff - his playoff system would have U.S.C. replay Notre Dame next weekend - even though Notre Dame just played U.S.C. this weekend and the game was a de facto playoff since it eliminated Notre Dame and allowed U.S.C. to remain in the title hunt - this apparently is not good enough for our sports media culture - no there must be another Notre Dame - U.S.C. game next week according to Mariotti and only that one would count really count
after all if we add a six-tiered playoff system to college football think about all the new witty retorts that could be screamed back and forth on ESPN's "Around the Horn" why who loses in that development besides 150 years of glorious tradition and anyone with an I.Q. higher than 68

Tribute

I remember being profoundly impacted by a Milton Friedman video I saw in 10th grade social studies class - it started my brief 6 year infatuation with conservative thought - girls wouldn't talk to me back then - but who's laughing now - I have a blog and they're all house frau's - and while I'm only a slight expert on complex economic theories I'm pretty sure Milton Friedman hated fucking house frau's - R.I.P.

scenes of triumph or how I learned to love America again

VICTORY

statement

if you're a college student you live in Montana and you campaigned for troglodyte Republican Senator Conrad Burns (who also happens to be fantastically corrupt) then you're a fucking idiot - I mean I realize you hate abortion and all but come on

nugget of wisdom

some people in my family consider the university of oregon football helmets "striking" -judge for yourself and vote in our online poll:

Online Poll

Conversations with my family

Me: It's been 20 years since the Mets won the World Series

Mom: Wow that's a long time . . .

Me: That means someone could have been born, grown up and been killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq all after Bill Buckner made that error

Mom: Laughs

Last Night the Hold Steady saved my life

Last Saturday night I was riding on a northbound train of the type Rod Stewart likes to sing about - when I was confronted with a depressing spectacle; a bunch
of hyper-active exceedingly youthful 19 year olds on their way to some type of
party/orgy/drug-a-poolza, the fact that people who were born after the 1986
World Series are now old enough to engage in such activities is something that
causes me to stare out at a vast cityscape/countryside and shake my head in
knowing wonderment

As it usually happens though the very next morning I was saved from any maudlin
tendencies as I finally, two years after they broke, stumbled onto the glorious
music of the Hold Steady; the Hold Steady is basically a rock band for people
who read the New York Times (which is a good thing), a band that combines that instrumentation of the E Street band with the lyrics of a young, pre-Teen Vogue Rhett Miller, a band in which every member is not only unattractive but also, and this is key, way older than me - and most important of all the Hold Steady is a band that musically during any three minute song creates a flaming green light saber in your head that allows you to slash and destroy any problems in your life from work to school to people who don't understand you (because the fucking Hold Steady they
understand you) to loud oblivious 19 years olds on a train - against the Hold
Steady and you those kids don't have a prayer.

a lack of updates?

uh . . .remember when Belarus held those phony elections last March and their totalitarian "President" was re-elected? (of course you do - who doesn't)and then the good people of Belarus had some type of uprising because apparently some of them wanted to vote for real or something - I'm figuring since we haven't heard from the 'Rus since then that whole uprising didn't go to well? I bet a lot of those "freedom" loving eastern european hippies are in jail now, kind of a drag. You would think the national media would have said something about this? oh wait I forgot they were otherwise occupied

unsolved mysteries update!!

I've stayed on the bride regarding U.S.A. basketball - they were in actuality the best team in the tournament and if Greece didn't channel their inner Milan High for a 15 minute stretch (during which they scored 44 points - they only scored 47 in the entire championship game against Spain)then the U.S. would be feasting on the finest Japanese hookers FIBA world championship gold medals can buy

In 2008 when the U.S. has a dominant big man in Greg Oden, an outside shooter in Redd or Redick and the all around lethal evilness of Kobe we're talking about non-swimming Olympic gold baby

oh lord oh dear lord

team U.S.A. lost in basketball today to Greece which has a fully stocked roster of zero NBA players; a quick breakdown of the story reveals that the U.S. lost because they couldn't shoot free throws (oh God) and they couldn't defend the . . .wait for it wait for it . . . the pick and roll!! (I just threw up in my mouth)

You know the pick and roll which they teach to teach third graders, and which was a staple of every middle school game that was played from the years (1901-until the year SportsCenter became popular and started showing dunk only highlights) - that pick and roll; Greece finding out the U.S. was susceptible to the P&R is the equivalent of finding one of those hidden coin rooms in Super Mario 3 - it soon turns into a guilt ridden orgy but you have to keep going back to it even if it offends your sense of decency

so in preparation of the Olympic Qualifying tournament that team U.S.A. will now have to slog through next year I have included this handy foreign website explaining the play




these guys don't look like they've ever seen the Budweiser Ultimate Highlight on SportsCenter but yet somehow the understand the basic tenets of basketball?? How!!



I'm just guessing here but I bet the And1 MixTape Tour doesn't put a lot of emphasis on fundamentals of basketball which help you avoid repeated humiliation in international competitions but that's just me



Note the famous "American-Style" defense played by the man in orange just above the free-throw line

attention all readers: new 80's baseball player linked!!

I am dying to write a post about the Ned Lamont - Joe Lieberman democratic primary in Connecticut but since people only stopped voting 24 minutes ago I guess it would be premature to declare a winner (unless you're Fox News and your relative is running)

meaning it's time for America's 3rd most favorite parlor game - Guess the Canadian Provincial/Territorial Flag . . .start guessing . . .wait for it . . . .NOW:

ahhh .....

when one drives south on I-57 towards bucolic southern Illinois one is assaulted by burma-shave-esque road signs for a webpage called gunssaveslives.com or some crap (no link provided)the signs feature some almost lucid ditty about guns and you know how they save lives

yet one state over in Indiana there has been a string of sniper attacks on the highways - I'm pretty sure the victims/American motorists in those attacks would be of the opinion that guns actually take lives and really don't do much in the save department - but that's just their opinion of course

the President wants you to die

our President is going to use his first ever veto (he's only been in office 6 long, long years) on a bill that would have allowed embryos that were to be destroyed to instead help people live and walk. another master stroke from W.

even though 70% of the country approves of the bill and troglodytes such as Bill Frist, Orrin Hatch and Trent Lott support the bill (for the love of everything pure all the Senators from Mississippi and Utah, two states not exactly known for their well developed views on science - voted for the bill) W. is going to make sure that tons and tons of Americans have no hope at all and generally make life miserable for the entire nation - well at least he's an expert on foreign policy

and on it goes: dig the quote from white house eunuch (I mean press secretary)Tony Snow talking about W's view on the bill: "The simple answer is he thinks murder's wrong." Well I'm so glad the president is against the murder of something the size of this: "." But is perfectly content to allow many normal sized humans who don't live in petri-dishes in freezers to die painfully sad deaths.

now I'm going to go violently bash my head against a wall and thanks to the impending veto of this stem-cell bill there won't be any cure for that either

oh that's right I do love America

it's been hard for me to root for the United States lately - what with that little war in Iraq, and the fact that United States sports team seem to be completely unlikable. For instance U.S.A. basketball has for years represented everything aesthetically wrong with the game; and rooting for the States in soccer seems totally besides the point. Cheering for the U.S. in soccer is like rooting for El Loco to rock you harder than ZZ Top.
And if I had enough interest to care I'm sure I would have rooted against the U.S. in the world baseball classic but like 98% of the rest of the country I ranked the "classic" somewhere below a non-major golf tournament in sporting importance. That importance ranking would look something like this:

1. Buick Invitational Classic
2. Professional Bass Fishing
3. NCAA Women's softball
4. World Baseball Classic
5. Dungeons & Dragons

To be fair the above rankings are a lie. I would much rather watch NCAA softball than bass fishing.

Of course the main reason to hate team U.S.A. is because since 1980 at whatever sport you are watching you will hear the constant chant of "U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.!!!" by fans of this country. No wonder the rest of the world thinks we're a little slow. If fans of Falkland Island sports - chanted "F.A.I., F.A.I., F.A.I." at every event they went to over the last 26 years wouldn't we have somewhat of a lower opinion of them?

Anyways what I'm trying to say is I'm actually excited and rooting for this new edition of team U.S.A. basketball. . .and nothing is going to stop me now. Expect a player-by-player preview over the next 15-29 months!!

a tribute to arcade games of the 1990's Part IFXIIJ#

before the Republican led congress of 1994 demanded their removal from the American landscape, this land of ours was home to vast houses of wonderment called "arcades". Their Gingrich led destruction is sad because truly there is no better video game experience than running to the change machine to get five dollars (that's right five dollars that how I rolled in 1990) in change before the continue game clock counts all the way down on your machine. Plus you could meet people, the guys who hung out in arcades were also pretty good in shop class they carried themselves with that cool confidence so devoid in algebra

a great arcade game from the era: Final Fight. Which I guess was just a double dragon rip-off - but one taken to the next level that allowed you to play as a giant guy who could bash crap - and jump kick

Episode VII

Dateline : America 1992

Bill Clinton is about to prove that moderate sensible democratic governance is perhaps, just perhaps better than draconian brutal unyielding conservative governance

the youth of the world are saying: "Hey the Beatles - you fucking suck. Long live the Spin Doctors."

Kurt Loder and Tabitha Soren make sensible unyielding brutal love after a MTV News segment on the upcoming Cd-Rom revolution

and most importantly the American people are swept up in an urgent debate that to this day has no answer: who should have made the 1992 American League All-Star team Cecil Fielder or Carlos Baerga; oh yes Peter Gammons had his opinions (Fielder)but the fact that America could never come to an agreement foretold the 13 years that were to come from the destructive policies of George W. Bush to the horrific Mussolini-esque rise of Zack and Cody to the sad steady decline in health of King Hippo

Carlos and Cecil a nation cries for you!!

a story to be told

speaking of grappling hooks does anybody dream about the NES game "Bionic Commando" in which you play as a guy who has a grappling hook? This game was way to difficult for me but my friend Dan was pretty good at it; this I what I suggest you do in your lesiure time:

1.) play "Bionic Commando" with Dan in 1989
2.) wait 4 years
3.) play "Super Star Wars" with Dan on the Super NES
4.) wait until Dan is playing and as Luke he misses a jump and starts falling to his death
5.) yell "use the grappling hook"
6.) watch as Dan desperately hits all the buttons on the controller
7.) laugh to yourself as you realize that the only game to feature a grappling hook was 1989's "Bionic Commando"
8.) listen to the Gin Blossoms

if only they made wacky youtubes about company towns

I'm obsessed with the town of Scotia, California. It is one of the last company towns in America. The entire place is owned by the Pacific Lumber Company and you can only live there if you work for said company and better yet they have a baseball field. In fact the entire place sounds so pure it makes me want to slit the throats of the impure who would dare to trod upon its virgin grounds. I wish I could stand sentinel over the entire city and use a grappling hook to swing down and slit some throats when I deemed it necessary. Scotia a beautiful place.

Larry King Style

I always forget that "Deadwood" is the best show on television and then every week I am reminded anew. Good thing it got canceled. (This was the first ever blog entry that I have composed that did not contain a spelling error.)

Yahoo's covered bridge image selection leaves something to be desired

I leave you with this pastoral picture because if anything basketball is a return to 1820's America a more serene, rural time of simple pleasures - like replacing a wheel on your horse drawn carriage; that was simple and pleasurable unless a slave did it for you that's wrong!!

all other picks

watching the whole NBA draft was a lot easier when I didn't have a job or a girlfriend - man I certainly didn't have a girlfriend in 1999 - unless Darth Maul action figures count

Pick 49

some dude was taken by some wretched team

I was actually rewatching the J.J. Redick pick on my DVR while this was taking place

Currently picks are going on while ESPN is running commercials - you know your NBA career is fucked when you're drafted while a Zima ad is showing

Edgewater Football Rules AKA pick 34

Clippers take Paul Davis thus answering the question - how many tall white guys from Michigan can one NBA team have one their roster at once? Apparently 2

Dick Vitale just finished his annual rant about how stupid some players were in declaring for the NBA (Edgewater grad Darius Washington this means you) - and of course Vitale is 100% right about this but you want to know real pain how about saying to yourself: "I'm going to write how they took JFK's body to my hometown for his autopsy on the Bethesda Wikipedia page." But you keep saying: "I'll do it a little bit later, I'll do it a little bit later." And then one day someone has beaten you too the punch.

Pick 33

when players getting drafted are being compared to Matt Bullard then it's time for me to brush my teeth or projectile vomit one or the other really

Pick 30

oh sweet lord the first round is over and people are still hating on Portland - lots of good players have been drafted in the second round and so have tons and tons of crappy players -

I'm going to do a google search under "Second Round NBA players" and see what turns up - I bet it's total shit:

RESULTS

Pick 28

the biggest panic to hit this blog since the great dad cable outage call of 7:36 p.m. occurs as my girlfriend calls wanting to know which Queen of England died having sex with a horse and my dog freaks out because it starts raining

the Knicks pick next I just placed a call to Isaiah Thomas letting him know that my high school friend CoCo Brown is currently available - CoCo once made like 5 threes in a row - and would much rather play with the Knicks than continue his current job as day manager of the Chicken Out on Rockville Pike in Rockville Maryland -

COCO now is your time

Pick 26

the Lakers take local player Jordan Farmar - being an NBA player in Los Angeles can be difficult a lot of dangerous tempetations will float your way but I can unequvically tell Farmar one temptation he should pass on - eating half a bag of Honey Dijon potato chips followed by half a jug of Ben & Jerry's Karmel Sutra ice cream - resist Jordan resist the siren call!!

Pick 24.5

ESPN superdude Jay Bilas needs to stop talking about the "fight" players have - he's starting to freak me out and I'm cutting him a lot of slack because at Duke Basketball summer camp 15 years ago he gave a speech that so inspiried me that I didn't place a collect call to my mom in tears begging that she come pick me up - at least for an hour or so - then I totally made that call

Picks 22-23

the soon to be Brooklyn Nets took two UConn players with their back to back picks, one was Marcus Williams who plummeted to number 20 (a plummet made all the more awkward by his being in the green room) but the free fall of Marcus does show that stealing a shitload laptops from fellow coeds does have some minor consequences like instead of playing for Sacramento you play for New Jersey

on the other hand someone can steal my laptop anytime they want because I have renters insurance from USAA!! Yeah so who's the real winner here?

the other guy the Nets took from UConn has dreads

time

ESPN went to commercial so I'm going to check my myspace profile - I'll let you know how many friend requests I got today in a minute.......

0

Pick 20

watching all the draft up to now was so worth it to see the ESPN guys and local Knick fans totally lose it when the horrid, horrid Knicks take some totally random guy (Renaldo Balkman) with the 20th pick; it's moments like that that make the NBA draft the warm special place it is; only a special type of Knick fans shows up on a weeknight to watch the NBA draft in person and it's not the Upper West Side type

Preview

ESPN just showed one commerical during their last break - it was for a movie starring Luke Wilson, Uma Thurman and the nerdy guy from the American version of "The Office" and "Six Feet Under" - it was about dating a super-hero and it lasted 9 minutes - it hurt my brain

Pick 18

the Boulez take a guy from the Ukraine - where this guy stands on the October Revolution of 2004 isn't revealed by the ESPN talent

also a Yahoo image search reveals a lot of hits featuring "Ukraine women" react as you will

Pick 11

my draft blog was screwed up because my father called me in a panic because his hotel cable went out right before his hometown Orlando Magic were about to pick - it has long been rumored they might take J.J. Redick here or they might pass on him and be dead to me forever - amazingly they did take Redick thus increasing by 450% the chances of me buying an Orlando Magic hat online sometime this summer -

DIARY BLOG POST: I used to live in Orlando, I lived in my own house, that's right a lower middle class person can afford a house in America, and it had a yard, a washer/dryer, no neighbors living above or below me playing craptastic music, was within walking distance to a Starbucks and the grocery store where a scene from the movie Parenthood was filmed which is better than the grocery store I live near now - known as the Jewel-Osco where a violent snuff film was made featuring the produce delivery guy

Anyway this pick makes me feel whole again

Pick Five

The Hawks take Shelden Williams from Duke. Can't say anything bad about this and neither does my man Steven A.!! Can I buy tickets his show right now and can I attract women wearing a Shelden jersey

Pick Four

Portland take Tyrus Thomas who will be traded to Chicago according to the Perm - I was going to only be positive on this pick but I've been thinking all day that I really like college basketball and I had never heard about Thomas until he single handily destroyed Duke and ripped out my heart in the NCAA tournament - but if you take away that heart-ripping epsidoe does he go number 4? I doubt it.

I feel better about all my hating because Steven A. Smith is currently hating on Portland cuz.

When is Stuart Scott going to go away - it's been a decade please Stuart leave us - leave us!!

Pick Three

the legendary Charlotte Bobcats take Adam Morrison - the Bobcats continue their trend of taking players who will sell tickets rather than the best pick - last year they took 2/5ths of North Carolina's championship winning team and this year they take the white guy with long hair - next year they plan of selecting the cast of TV's Dawson's Creek circa 1997 and a time machine

P.S. I like Morrison but blogs are better when they make fun of people

Pick Two

the Bulls take LaMarcus Aldridge who according to Andy Katz they will trade to Portland for the number four pick - I trust Katz on this - I always trust men with perms

Pick One

Thankfully the NBA only gives teams 5 minutes between picks unlike the NFL which gives teams tons of time, I'm not sure how long but it's certainly longer than an episode of Real World/Road Rules Fresh Meat minus the commercials.

The Raptors take Italian Andrea Bargnani. Why? Because no one has ever seen him play for more than 5 minutes so his downside can't be over analyzed. Oh wait he did average 10 points in the Italian league last year. Great pick then great pick. But I won't be a cynic - why because "cynic" is just another word for "hater" that's why.

NBA Draft Sex Cruise

Even though I wrote about how worthless the NBA draft was in this blog two years ago (be the first person ever to click on the "Archives" link now!!) I am going to write a single entry about every pick until Duke legend J.J. Redick is selected - this could be awhile because there are a lot of "haters" out there and also because Redick recently was arrested for DUI and apparently has a back injury

Each Pick will merit its own entry because looking at one really long blog that I wrote will basically make me want to slit my wrists - also I will be posting a picture of a scenic covered bridge every fifth pick

Tom Cole is a Twat

Republicans in our U.S. Congress started a totally unnecessary debate yesterday on the war in Iraq which lasted 10 hours and did nothing to help anybody; I found the following quote by Oklahoma Rep. Tom Cole to be especially Jeffersonian:

Here is Cole "dissing" the Democrats:

"Their real challenge is they have no common, unified position on their side of the aisle, whether we are right or wrong, we on our side of the aisle do have a unified position."

I'm going to break that down:

So although the Republicans launched a war on false pretenses, a war that has sullied the image of America at home and abroad beyond all recognition, the has made this country less safe, that has derailed our war on terrorism, that has ruined decade old international alliances and that has of course caused the deaths of untold thousands - they at least are on agreement on what to do!!
And what mighty agreement have the Republicans reached that unifies them so boldly in this time of strife: well they agree to you know keep hanging around in Iraq for who knows how long while we ban gay marriage and repeal the estate tax back home!! Sounds great - can I vote now!!

oh Hi I just love it so much

I love Paducah, Kentucky so much - it's my favorite city that I've never been to - well Paducah and Prague; and not only does the city of Paducah have an amazing website but they unlike other rapidly dying small towns have come up with a way to fight the forces of evil - I present to you the Paducah "Artist Relocation Program" - if you're an artist and you move to Paducah and live in one of their old Victorian buildings you basically don't have to pay for anything ever again for the rest of your life - in unrelated news my girlfriend and I moved to Paducah yesterday

HISTORICAL PADUCAH NOTE: apparently General Grant (a noted Civil War man about town) was kinda a little bit of an anti-Semite; Grant issued orders restricting the movements of Jews during the civil war - and the people who put a stop to this madness - Paducah area merchants!!And oh yeah Lincoln

UNSOLVED MYSTERIES UPDATE: I found the Paducah Artist Link - enjoy zero blog readers enjoy

fun with Republicans

you know how people go "hahahahahahaha" to communicate how something is funny when they are emailing or text messaging each other? what's the weeping/crying equivalent of that?

just this week the political party that controls every instrument of power in this country (except that damn liberal media, currently getting itself blown up in Iraq)gave us these Jeffersonian treasures:

1. The Gay Marriage Amendment - it's an election year you know what time it is - time for the G.O.P. to roll out this monstrosity!! Even though it has no chance of passing, because thankfully just enough Senators don't feel comfortable turning our nation's most scared document into a hate screed, the Bush crowd rolls it out to appeal to the hillbilly voting base. Is this going to happen every two years? Because really I’m telling you I’ll be tired of it by 2014 at the latest – I mean it Karl

2. The Estate tax gets repealed - sounds like a great idea it's not like we're at war or anything!! The right has nicknamed this tax the "Death Tax" the left has recently started fighting back by calling it the "Paris Hilton Tax", I prefer the "If this get repealed your life gets more fucked and the terrorists win tax" but that's just me.

3. This latest magnum opus from Ann Coulter (no link provided). I am going to fight saying anything personal about Coulter (most of my comments having to do with her love of large black Muslim cock) and instead merely point out that if you believe Coulter means what she says and isn't putting on an act then you must also think that Hulk Hogan and Rowdy Roddy Piper actually really did hate each other in the 80’s.

rock the vote this November or buy a PlayStation 3 and let your country rot in hell - whatever

I had a long day at work but on the way home I read a quote from my old adversary Congress Ric Keller (R-Florida). Ric made the front of that liberal rag the New York Times in an article about the prospects of Nancy Pelosi (D-California) becoming Speaker of the House if the Democrats retake Congress this fall.

Ric was aghast by the idea and come up with this verbal dagger: "Are Americans ready for Nancy Pelosi's Contract with San Francisco?"

Thankfully in America you can reply to your Congress people without fear of mutilation. Here is the email I sent to Congressman Keller:

Dear Mr. Keller,

I am a former constituent of yours, today I ready your witty bon mot about Nancy Pelosi in the New York Times. I just want to let you know that I am an American, and I will gladly take any contract Nancy Pelosi has to offer over a continuation of the ongoing train wreck otherwise known as the last six years of governance in this country.
In the interest of fairness though I would like to present you some "Contracts" for the Republican Party to present to the American Voters this election cycle that would counter Pelosi's: "Contract with San Francisco":

A. The Contract with Baghdad's War Torn Green Zone
B. The Contract with the 9th Ward of New Orleans
C. The Contract with Trent Lott's rebuilt front porch

Please let me know if you wish to use any of these - I offer you them free of charge!! (No Duke Cunningham stuff here)

Yours,

Benjamin Lyon

non-existent film festival

you are invited to the following celebration of the medium of film that would take place at my house if I had the energy or a house:

STALKER FILM FESTIVAL

Genesis Stalker Movies:

7:00 A.M.: Fatal Attraction
9:30 A.M.: Single White Female
11:30 A.M.: Group reading of horoscopes in Newspaper

Psycho Teen Stalker Movies:

11:40 A.M.: The Crush
1:10 P.M.: Posion Ivy

2:50 P.M.: Cocaine Fueled Orgy

Social Realism Stalker Movies:

2:57 P.M.: Unlawful Entry
4:30 P.M.: The Hand that Rocks the Cradle

6:00 P.M.: Group flagellation to "wash away Satan's shame"
6:20 P.M.: Smores