most obnoxious saying of 2006:

"I like sports where the winners are decided on the field."

This phrase uttered by numerous sport media types and allegedly "hip" blogs was in reference to the lack of a playoff system for college football.

Note this phrase breaks the unprecedented 3 year reign of the previous most obnoxious saying: "We've brought freedom to the people of the middle east." which was in reference to the Iraqi war turned civil war turned living diorama of hell.

Both phrases can only be uttered correctly when said with a chin jutting sneer of certainty followed by a moment of silence as the person who said either of the above phrases thinks everyone around them is slowly being washed over in a tide of massive profundity

of course both phrases are totally wrong as we really didn't bring that much freedom to Iraq (for proof of this see any major newspaper from any day this year) -although bless little little man Bill O'Reilly for still thinking we did - as he points out in his random smattering of half formed thoughts known as his newspaper "column" - some parts of some provinces are doing kinda ok in southern Iraq - touche Bill touche - you have bested me again with your verbal rapier
and of course college football does determine its champion on fields - where the fuck do people think these games are played the space base in Moonraker? - the Texas/USC and Ohio St./Michigan games (the best two games of the year in any sport) were in fact decided on fields, trust me I watched them both (please see below for the difference between the Moonraker base and college football stadiums)

a note to Comcast

unlike some others I have no problem with you right now - but can you please do me a favor and in your TV guide stop referring to ESPN's "Sportcenter" as a "hip-Emmy winning production" - most of us recall that brief moment 11 years ago when Sportscenter was hip but 11 years ago for a brief moment Hootie and the Blowfish were hip as well - in fact these two phenomena combined for one of the greatest assaults on humanity since the failed Armenian genocide of the early 20th century (a video which oddly is not on youtube)

let me merely clarify: any show that runs something called the "Budweiser Ultimate Highlight" which appears to be no more than a really bad 10 minute Big & Rich song played over some low angle camera shots of special teams play is not hip

reeking of history

yesterday was Donald Rumsfeld's last day as Secretary of Defense; he had a going away party of the type usually reserved for teams that win the Rose Bowl -

Vice President Cheney called him "the greatest Secretary of Defense this country has ever had"; so true Dick so true:

non-Roger Angell entry

I couldn't decide whether to wax poetic on how much I love college football or instead defend college football's B.C.S. system but ultimately I think my Roger Angell impersonation would anger Ted very much so I'm just going to rotate a list of things that are great about college football with a list of why people who want a college football playoff are moronic - not Iraq war moronic - but still pretty moronic

1. It make me happy that in the middle of the Pacific Ocean on a small island where Alice once hurt her back due to the nefarious working of a magic tiki thing a team plays games at midnight central time each week and runs an offense that averages 50 points per game

2. The two idiot color guys on ESPN and CBS think there should be a playoff system - if these guys told me to shop at Target I would shop at Menard's - and save more!!

3. In the NFL every team copies each other (witness how they all play the cover 2 defense now and run the west coast offense) and so all teams look alike - in college football there are a wide variety of styles from Hawaii's Run and Shoot - to Navy's Triple-Option to the Arkansas - "Let's hike the ball to the running back and have him throw 15% of the time" to wide open passing attacks.

4. The vaunted playoffs of baseball, the NFL and college basketball just gave us an 83 win team, a last-seeded AFC team, and a team that lost to the N.I.T. champion (twice!!) as champions so don't tell me playoffs determine who the best team in a sport is - TALK TO THE HAND BECAUSE THE FACE DON'T UNDERSTAND

5. don't you hate when your favorite team losses - like for instance they're 5 outs from making the world series for the first time since we dropped the bomb on Japan and some dude might have grabbed a ball and Moises Alou pees his pants, or your team make the World Series for the first time ever and then gets their collective asses kicked by the White Sox and 400 year old Jeff Bagwell pees his pants, of Brett Farve throws 50 interceptions in the red zone and the Packers fall to 6-10 and the state of Wisconsin pees it's pants - well college football has found a way around this - more on point 6

6. witness Wake Forest - the demon Deacons are bad at football - real bad - they last won their conference in 1970 (35 years after the Cubs last won the pennant but still) but this year they have had an amazing season - a season Wake Forest fans will speak of only in Nordic Verse - like Beowulf - they'll gather around a fire after a day of fishing for cod and hunting elk and speak of the year they went 10-2, won the ACC, and went to the Orange Bowl - the Orange Bowl!! that's where good teams go - teams that have a student body larger than 56 - will Wake Forest win the national title? no - would Wake Forest most likely lose to Ohio State by three touchdowns - yes - but does Wake Forest have a chance to end their season with an amazing win and not look back on this season and feel a sense of searing painful regret - yes and College Football is the only sport that provides that

7. have I mentioned Jay Mariotti thinks there should be a playoff and there isn't a soapbox strudy enough for Joe Buck to stand on when it comes to this subject