in the wind

word is that Britney wants to be on the next Newlyweds; sadly that spot has been taken by the newest "it" couple -Sean Hannity and Nell

time warp

in a preemptive strike against the "Madden Curse" EA sports has announced who will be on the cover of the next 300
Madden football games, a sampling:

2006: Scott Peterson
2010: O.J.
2078: the decomposed body of John Madden
2195: Pat Summerall still going strong at age 210
2910: time-travel is invented this year and in the ensuing uproar EA forgets to make a madden game
2911: Bon Jovi

okay one last time

1 + 1 = duh

What happened?

I don't think Ray Lewis will be too worried about the "Madden Curse". After all once you've reached a point in your life where you can be involved in the brutal murder of two people a video game box - not so big a deal.

it's already paying off!!

the results of my ancestral homeland Missouri's decision to ban gay marriage is already paying off - here is what has happened to the show me state since they wisely passed an amendment that denies total strangers happiness:

1. all "hip-hop" thugs have embraced the light, burned their records and joined the Josh Groban street team
2. the Lord up above has used his divine power to erase the ending to Super Bowl XXXVIII - your St. Louis Rams are now the official winners - and "placekicker" (read: sodomite) Adam Vinateri is burning in eternal hellfire
3. all books featuring original old school gay lovers Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn by Hannibal, Missouri native Mark "totally gay he might as well wear leather chaps" Twain have been happily burned!!

good call: Missouri

tree snakes = Not so bad

Mississippi has a vote on Gay Marriage coming up this fall - I wonder how that's going to go? And really Mississippi if you continue to support dumbass amendments like this while your standard of living languishes somewhere behind 1960's Albania - then you're out and Guam is in - the rest of America can't take it anymore;

p.s. Doe's eat place in Greenville is still the best eats in the world

Better even than Shannon Burke!!

Jim Rome brought his "A" game for almost the whole month of July

Even if John Daly does win

I don't care if I lived next door to the Buick Open I still wouldn't go

Communist Training Video

all the delegates are dancing right now to covers of old soul standards - look I'm no expert but this can't be what Thomas Jefferson wanted

must write something II

opening acts for concerts and the democratic convention aren't really that different; to almost quote P.J. O'rourke: "Delegates at conventions are the type of people who have plush Garfields stuck to their car windows."

oh P.J. still the best P.J. ever - followed by P.J. from "For Love or Money" and NBA uberdude P.J. Brown

Kumar and Bush raise millions

I don't know what will be more asinine this or this

i wish i had never seen this

please sir don't wear a 1980's Baltimore Orioles hat ironically to a hipster party ever again; to some of us the 1980's Baltimore Orioles represent the feeling of being at a late September game as a 6 year old with you dad, your best friend and his dad and watching Eddie Murray hit a home run to beat the New York Yankees in the last game of the season, and even though maybe you don't know exactly what's going on the feeling of standing and cheering with a stadium of 45,000 and the most important people in your life fills you with a feeling of joy and abandon like no other; to approach a game at Memorial Stadium to watch the O's play as a child you knew that everything would be perfect in your life for as long as the game lasted (baseball has no clock); that's what that hat means to me - to you it means "hey guys look what I found at the thrift store - will someone please sleep with me"

call Fandango STAT

I am excited about seeing "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle and American Cinema goes to Hell"

things we learned from the republicans yesterday

1. Prisoners being tortured for no good reason in Abu Ghraibfds (using President Bush's spelling here) and thus ruining America's reputation for the next 6 generations = don't wallow

2. Sandy Berger accidentally taking two pieces of paper from meeting = wallow in it like the corpulent tennessee hogs that Denis Hastert and Bud Henninger are

part 1 of my stump speech

we need to think outside the box on fighting terror - here is my idea 

whenever a terror organization threatens to behead someone we offer to trade their captive for an american citizen whose head we would all like to see chopped off on pay-per-view - with all the pay-per-view money going to help VH1 find new programming

Person number 1 to trade: Rick Solomon

Can you also ban Ashlee Simpson?

but T.G.I. Friday's tastes so good

Must write something

I wonder what it looked like when the sharks ate the entire cast of ESPN's "Sportscenter" after it failed to make the jump.  Limbs everywhere I presume.

A dream denied like a cold winter wind

Having "I love the 90's" in 2004 is like opening your Christmas presents on December 12. It would have been so much better if we as a nation could of waited 8 more years then bits on the "Drew Carey Show" would have had real meaning. And really Hal Sparks is open for the rest of eternity I just checked with his agent. Thanks for ruining Christmas "Video Hits" 1.

On second though

I was going to watch the Home Run Derby last night on ESPN but then I remembered I didn't want my face to melt off

Free Boozer

this Boozer thing has been blown out of propo; the Cavs were obviously trying to lowball him in the longrun; the guy is 22 give him a break; NBA pundits fall all over themselves defending the Shaun Livingstons of the world who go back on their word but when an actual NBA player does it (which I don't buy) the whole pot-smoking, pimp calling, jive turkey league goes "Family Circus" on me; please

I love the 1690's

happy Battle of the Boyne day!! Good thing people don't get into religious wars anymore - oh wait scratch that last part there.

From the bad career move department . . .

E tu' Boozer?

A Worldwide Epidemic

After watching the 439 hour "Real World" (too tired to link it) Reunion on Tuesday I came down with a case of the "RSRS" a very serious disease that the "mainstream" media pays no attention to - not even Shepard Smith on Fox News. Shepard heed my call!

RSRS is Reality Show Regret Syndrome and it occurs in that sad moment after a reality season ends and you realize how much of your life was just wasted for no dramatic payoff whatsoever. Oh during the season you mind and heart are aflutter with Frankie going crazy and Brad eating turpentine and Cameron rehabilitating an injured squirrel but when it's all over and you realized how much time you wasted watching a show that had minimal plot, excitement, and decency you can only cry and suffer a case of RSRS which usually involves the dry heaves.

Going down like a Gondola

I'm sure this has nothing to do with the Dems dominating the news this week with Edwards and all. Just a coincidence. At least they're able to provide so many details to reassure us.

New report states that reading is down. No way!! I thought the American people were getting smarter!! Plus how do you expect us to read tonight when pure brillance is on. It features people like sitting around and stuff. I can't miss that - I'm not made of stone!!

Why America Rules!!

Other people know about R.B.I. Baseball

no better baseball video game has ever been created that uses real major league players ("Baseball Stars" also for the NES - remains the greatest thing invented since the Polio vaccine)

Getting even staring Ben Stiller

if anybody ever bothers you from the fish-wrap known as the Washington Times and this is likely since

1. the paper is very right-wing aka loves freedom a lot
2. seems to employ the most low-budget sports columnists around

just say: "We'll at least I'm not owned by Moonies. Oh yeah and your face is busted."

only say the last part if person's face actually is busted - otherwise use at you lesiure

Freedom Suckah's

Thank you state of Missouri and your liberal laws regarding fireworks. No wonder this country is so much better than Norway.

The Bart The

Lindsay Lohan is the most popular search on Yahoo! really if you're typing Lindsay Lohan into a Yahoo (or even Google!!) search your next search should be "ways to kill myself and not make a major mess"

Don't wear shirts with words on them to concerts

Here is the Old 97's set list for the first show on their summer tour spectacle (show was at Mississippi Nights in St. Louis)

1. Rollerskate Skinny
2. The Other Shoe
3. Who actually keeps set lists for the entire concert? The same people who take pictures of the band - thus blinding them by the flashbulb - and the same people who wear t-shirts of other bands, thus proving their diverse taste in music to total strangers!!
4. Some other songs were: Big Brown Eyes, Barrier Reef, Mama Tried, Question, Valentine, Four-Leaf Clover, Jagged, that Heaven song from the last album
5. I've stopped the set list but here are some other observations: I wish they had played some more songs off the new album - (they only played 3) because as much as I love the band (and I almost started crying during their first song) I've heard some of those songs 1,000 times, plus the new stuff sounded really good
6. but you can't play new stuff because people tune it out and bump into me on their way to get a Budweiser (this being St. Louis)
7. let's just say that the Old 97's and their fans are getting maybe a little older and this is actually a good thing - a perfect concert crowd has a 20% hipster total - anything more and the whole thing is ruined - just ask Chris Carrabba lord of the hipster

Not going to Prom

these are the emo countries that nobody hangs out with because the most popular country doesn't like them; oh sometimes Canada talks to them during Language Arts (that's just Canada for you)but still these countries spent a lot of Friday nights at home listening to Bright Eyes

Just show some mini-golf action

ESPN ranks the top 25 sports movies from 1979 to 2004 tonight - which seems like a totally pointless list until you factor in that this is how long sweet little ESPN has been with us - oh wait the list is still pointless - why not make the list even more random like : "Best sports movies of the last 25 years in which the gaffer has been named Barry" - that I would watch; that being said go here to vote for Hoosiers as the greatest movie ever over crappy overrated Caddyshack

If . . .

you're still quoting the movie "Caddyshack" please kill yourself - for us if not for you

My dog eats too much grass

okay it's 8:02 and the troops aren't all back yet - I'm starting to get worried - I mean we did transfer power didn't we? that should have ended the whole show

whew . . . at least that is over

man what was everybody so bent out of shape about? everything is over - I except the troops to all be home by 7:30 tonight

I would love to feel otherwise . . .

but I have a bad feeling about how these rooms are going to turn out

Things the NBA draft could learn from the Bravo Network

while watching both the NBA draft and "Queer Eye for a Straight Guy" I noticed how much the draft needed the color commentary of Ted; during the climatic scene of every Queer Eye it's always foodman Ted who makes the astute observation like "This is a really important night for Bill." or "That's not how you open a bottle of wine." - if ESPN added Ted and dropped Stu Scott who wouldn't be better off

First-Round of the NBA draft for Commie-weenies

the second round though rules!! - the picks are much faster and by this time a low-grade form of dementia has set in espically if you've eaten Chinese food and are watching the televised "action" in the basement of your mom's house (see me and 1997 NBA draft)

my 3 favorite hopeful second round picks

1. Chris Duhon

2. two

3. Then former Edgewater high standout Nigel "Big Firm not Big Jelly" Dixon who has lost 100 pounds and should hopefully have a much better NBA career than Preist Lauderdale or Darren Moringstar

Researching the NBA is fantastic

before everybody gets all excited about the NBA draft keep in mind what little impact most draftees will have on their teams - for example only 7 of the 58 players selected in the NBA draft 5 years ago are still playing productive minutes for the teams they ended up with at the end of the draft - and the previous statement uses a liberal defenition of "productive" as high-school bust J. Bender is included; by far the best pick is Utah getting A. Kirilenko at 24 and second round steal M. Ginoboli is the second best value pick; look for a complete grading by me of the 1999 NBA draft as soon as I finish reading my girlfriend's copy of "The New Yorker" but I must warn you some of those articles are really long and I need to reread most of the cartoons because sometimes they don't make sense

Good career move

Not ready for the NBA high schooler Shaun Livingston appears headed to the N.B.A.'s version of eternal hell: the L.A. Clippers - I'm sure he'll enjoy this much more than playing top caliber college basketball - the cinematic equal to playing for the Clippers is to watch this movie everyday 24 hours a day for the next 3 years

Drive-By Truckers Lyric of the Week

Well you're only fifteen, girl, you ain't got no secretary
And "for granted" is a mighty big word for a country girl like you
You know it's just your Daddy talking
Cause He knows that blood red carpet at the Salem Church of Christ
Ain't gonna ever see no wedding between me and you

Are you ready for some obscure college football?

the Sept. 4 game on this schedule is offically the "Obscure college football game of the week" sponsored by Jiffy Lube

1 out of 2 ain't bad

looks like there were no links between Iraq and Al Qaeda at least we found all those weapons of mass destruction - wait . . .what?

I'm loving it

another charming NBA season comes to an end and in unreleated news the league is peopled with thugs oh wait I meant releated news

Freedom's just another word for saying I'm a right-wing nutbag

First they co-opt the American Flag, then they claim AM Gold radio and now they've taken over the word "Freedom". The right is going to ruin everything one by one. Vegas has put the over/under on Bush uttering the f-word in his stump speech at 45. Hannity held a freedom concert over the weekend the highlight of which occured during the Sum 41 set when some Hell's Angels beat the hell out of Grover Norquist and his gang after they dropped some brown acid.

Machine Pitch Baseball is for commies

This is something I trust the President with. See I'm no raging bolshevik. I'm not an irrational Bush hater. I will freely admit that 43 runs a much better t-ball league than Clinton ever could. When I'm looking for foreign policy and economic decisions I'll go elsewhere. But when I need somebody to either a.) bale hay or b.) organize a game between the Longwood Fla. Brownies and the Onley Md. Cub Scouts well then W. is our man.

See you at the cross roads greatest TV character ever. See you at the crossroads.

If you've bought one of these then watch out because the cool guy police has put out an APB for your arrest.

Paul you can comment on this page!!

my dog sleeps sideways on her bed now (not the usual stomach on ground)is this normal? if not what can be done?

is buying advance tickets to SpiderMan 2 really needed?
but please note the above link allows you to buy Garfield Tickets which are very hard to get - 6 people were trampled to death at the San Dimas Regal Cinema trying to get in - but please note the Garfield Christmas Special rules much better than than other Comic Page Holiday Specials espically "It's a very Jumble Flag Day"

really great show

since the Internet is really boring here is a link about a subject you shouldn't care about but what are your other options at this point? IM'ing your former co-workers from 1999?
also shouldn't Jay Leno feel a little shame about the whole "Dancing Ito's" things - wait hahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahasdlkhgaslghdslgdfjkfd - oh man dancing ito's I was laughing so hard I spastically lost control of my typing

Top 5 all-time Leno moments

5. hiding in the janitor's closet while NBC exec's (same people who would late give us "Fear or Money Apprentice Joey")discussed his future
4. using Hugh Grant's arrest and subsequent Late Night apperance as a way to finally top Letterman
3. getting NBC flacks to periodically issue press releases about how great he is
2. breaking up with Chris Carraba at the Sadie Hawkins dance and thus being the inspiration for "A Mark A Mission A Scar"
1. introducing Chip Flagstone from comic strip "Hi & Lois" to reefer thus making the comic strip a lot less funny

Too Hot to Handle too Cold to Hold

I'll be DJ'ing tonight in my living room so come check it out ($25.00 cover)

my DJ play list:

Charles in Charge theme song (4 times in a row)
Fox Sports World (channel 128 on Brighthouse networks)
Spoken word reading of New York Times Op-Ed column
"Back to the Future" Quotes